Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
HUSH LITTLE BABY, DON'T YOU CRY. SUCK IT UP & BARE THE WORLD.
it's apparently past 5AM & about six or seven more hours since i've gotten off the phone with my best friend, Mer. we're talking about random topics and as soon we click to go our separate ways, i go onto tumblr. upon my dash is a shiet load of posts about "i don't know myself" "who am i?" "i need to find myself". aaaaaaaaaaand it's now my turn to ponder. i'm obviously not sleeping so why not try to decipher and dissect a piece of my cranium pie. to be honest, i don't thik i've changed since i was little. i feel i have gotten a bit mature and that i am more aware of my moral compass, whereas when i was younger i could really not give a fuck. really. BUT at the same time, i know that haven't really ventured off into a different person.... does that mean that i know myself really and truly? hmm... good question to self.
............ somehow it's like the only thing that i can really tear into is not who I AM, but what I AM NOT. like i need to work on a lot of things. i can be selfish, i am not considerate at times or programmed to be aware of others until they pop back into my life, i need to BE proACTIVE, focus on my future and not living in the present, priortize what i need to be doing and where i need to be going. but most important: STOP PROCRATINATING, LIKE F#%K MAN. those are the things about myself [all that deep & inside gushy stuff] that i don't like, simply i am not those things yet i NEED to be them. at least thing, knowing that i can acquire these traits, i will be happy. or i think that will content with myself. however, life has NO guarantees but if i strive become this "IDEAL" person, i will be better for it.
on the other hand tho, i 've noticed that certain people or friends have changed. and that i'm starting to drift from them. it's not like i don't care for these people, but i've started to not care for these people like i used too. whatever space or void that i took up in their lives and vice versa, we obviously didn't really need each other like we thought we did. and to meeeeeeeeeeee, i think it's dumb to hold onto things OR be attached to shiet that doesn't even really matter anymore. i'm not saying that they per se don't matter to me, but the way cards are being dealt..... we're not really in the SAME hand type of deal. but i am that personality who naturally does NOT put in effort, but that shiet is times 2 when the other side has not been putting effort period. i don't know anymore because i really don't. i'm not one to cry over trivial matters, but losing good friends is a bittersweet affair. especially when you realized that you're no longer included point blank. so tired of everything.
the whole issue, as i've come to realize, is not WHO AM I? but in fact WHO DO I WANT TO BE? and as d.u.m.b as it sounds, i want to be ME. whoever that person is. i can type up in this betch and simutaneously run around my brain racetrack while trying to find answers to rhetorics, BUT i'll still be unable to spew out anything enlightening. i don't want to be a kid, but i do. i don't want to be high class, but i do. i don't want to be tough, but i do. or more like i need to. it's a learning curve i guess and one that i'll probably figure out soon.
just feel sorry for the boy i'll call mine. i don't think he'll be mentally prepare for all of this.
i mean, i can't even handle me. most of the time.
............ somehow it's like the only thing that i can really tear into is not who I AM, but what I AM NOT. like i need to work on a lot of things. i can be selfish, i am not considerate at times or programmed to be aware of others until they pop back into my life, i need to BE proACTIVE, focus on my future and not living in the present, priortize what i need to be doing and where i need to be going. but most important: STOP PROCRATINATING, LIKE F#%K MAN. those are the things about myself [all that deep & inside gushy stuff] that i don't like, simply i am not those things yet i NEED to be them. at least thing, knowing that i can acquire these traits, i will be happy. or i think that will content with myself. however, life has NO guarantees but if i strive become this "IDEAL" person, i will be better for it.
on the other hand tho, i 've noticed that certain people or friends have changed. and that i'm starting to drift from them. it's not like i don't care for these people, but i've started to not care for these people like i used too. whatever space or void that i took up in their lives and vice versa, we obviously didn't really need each other like we thought we did. and to meeeeeeeeeeee, i think it's dumb to hold onto things OR be attached to shiet that doesn't even really matter anymore. i'm not saying that they per se don't matter to me, but the way cards are being dealt..... we're not really in the SAME hand type of deal. but i am that personality who naturally does NOT put in effort, but that shiet is times 2 when the other side has not been putting effort period. i don't know anymore because i really don't. i'm not one to cry over trivial matters, but losing good friends is a bittersweet affair. especially when you realized that you're no longer included point blank. so tired of everything.
the whole issue, as i've come to realize, is not WHO AM I? but in fact WHO DO I WANT TO BE? and as d.u.m.b as it sounds, i want to be ME. whoever that person is. i can type up in this betch and simutaneously run around my brain racetrack while trying to find answers to rhetorics, BUT i'll still be unable to spew out anything enlightening. i don't want to be a kid, but i do. i don't want to be high class, but i do. i don't want to be tough, but i do. or more like i need to. it's a learning curve i guess and one that i'll probably figure out soon.
just feel sorry for the boy i'll call mine. i don't think he'll be mentally prepare for all of this.
i mean, i can't even handle me. most of the time.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
THE BOD GEEs CLUB....
above is the theme that my one of my bessies wants as his theme for his birthday party --- "THE BAD GIRLS CLUB". but we, of course, put a little twist on it and we're known as the BAD GEEs Club/ BAD GAYs Club/ BAD FAGs Club. whichever name we decide on, all i know is that we're bad. yes, we DEFINITELY play on the side of good (no doubts about that, absolute), but this is just a SIDE of one coin shown to all the bottom dwellers, who come out of the mud and wanna play some mind-fuckerry. there are games where we do LIKE to compete in and be contenders, but i'm talking about the dumb shit, that kids play in the sandbox type of deal. i'm happy we all decided to unite as this opposing force. but don't get it twisted tho; we're not jumping onto high horses and claiming that we ARE dope pieces of shit. we're trying to squash myths and egos of those who think they're top dogs, when clearly they ARE NOT. like they're onto some next level shit.
MOVING ALONG... the real topic. PAPA FERMz, he is a real ass betch and i love him to bits. and he was really coo' and put together a surprise birthday party for me. honestly, he IS ONTO SOME NEXT LEVE SHIT --- the good, good, GREAT kind. not only did he throw surprise party, he baked a cake that was more or less like the picture below. inside joke tings from our camping days. i basically get drunk as a skunk and i proceed to go on top of any automobile and do a lil dancehall head top. you know, small stuff. nothing to sweat about. twas red velvet and everything.... the works, the real deal and the whole she-bang.
i want to do the same thing, but let's be real.... i'm no cakeboss, master chef nor do i claim to be. and while i am inept at hardcore baking, i've dabble in the business a couple times when i was younger. so for his BDAY i kinda want to do 4 different cupcakes and sorta incorporate the BGEEs theme into it somehow. after searchin the interwebs for some unusual flavours, i've decided on these four right here.
strawberry milkshake
cookies and cream
soda blue velvet
lemon drop
and for my girl KA$H-MONEY whose BDAY is coming up in less than 2 months, i wanted to some cupcakes too. chronologically, hers is on the way and she'll be sorta like.... trial-and-error kinda thing to see if i can accomplish this mission. tho since i'm doing 4 for PAPA FERMz i feel a little stinge if i only make my toddler days bessie only one kinda. i'ma hafta do more searching and homework, so i'll probably add 2 more for a total of 3 flavours for her.
caramel brownie
Friday, February 25, 2011
RIDING DOWN "SOUL" CITY. BLACK ON BLACK LAMBORGHINI.
going in & out of worlds, mostly OUT because i feel like i was made for elsewhere. a sneakerhead in the mapping.... well, i'm trying. tinkering with the English language to see if i can become sort of savvy / lyrical genious of sorts. playing with colours & utilizing lines to transfer these dreams onto paper. talking to myself whenever i can. let's me know that i am sane. or that i'm here on terra firma. somewhat. continuing to concoct these strange stories. and every year they get stranger, still.
chasing unknown unknowns and trying to figure out these variables. BUT my math skill set is weak. and i don't care anymore for these L.O.V.E. equations. gonna try this annual resolution thing again. make things proper. slowly gain this mentality that EDEN is an unattainable prospect --- that it is more a personal thing. i can't expect my ting to be the adonis i was hoping for. this can only be accomplished thru my own eyes. time to get IT in. it's about time.
slowly closing the book onto those don't need to read my pages. there's a reason why those bookmarks were thrown out. or lost later on in life. trying to the bigger person. because in this small, small world, there are even smaller PEOPLE. and so, if it boogles my mind and not in an intellectual way, then it can easily be dismissed. it's a hard knock life as they say. weeding out the negatives so that i can remain FOCUS'd. get on that 24/7, 9 to 5 hustle and grind. develop these pictures in the dark, that only i can see. and eventually the world will get a chance to view them too. in due time too.
photo cred: HERE
MEANWHILE............HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY TO ME. ☺!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
HARAJUKU GIRL, YOU GOT THE WICKED STYLE. XOXO
TEPPENYAKI DINNER @ YAMATO.
most gorgeous dinner i've ever chowed.
it's too bad that i keep forgeting to pack
a camera to these things.... mang.
defeats the whole picture blog set-up, right?
but Chef Toto is my main man, thru & thru.
fastest hands from the East in the West.
really pricy BUT it was a nice treat.
and it was my home-girl Kam's BDay night out.
serious tho..... KOBE BEEF DINNER - $150.00
only when i get a "ting" and he's balling.
that's like 7-10 meals right there.
but i'm tired and beat.
alas, homework.
most gorgeous dinner i've ever chowed.
it's too bad that i keep forgeting to pack
a camera to these things.... mang.
defeats the whole picture blog set-up, right?
but Chef Toto is my main man, thru & thru.
fastest hands from the East in the West.
really pricy BUT it was a nice treat.
and it was my home-girl Kam's BDay night out.
serious tho..... KOBE BEEF DINNER - $150.00
only when i get a "ting" and he's balling.
that's like 7-10 meals right there.
but i'm tired and beat.
alas, homework.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF YOU. THEN ME. THEN YOU, AGAIN.
sunday was weird.
i went to bed at 6 pm and didn't wake up until 12 pm the NEXT day. inbetween that span of just sleeping, i had the longest dream of life. i don't totally remember all of it. just that the guy and girl [perhaps they were a couple] in my dream was assuring me that my dream was especially, and specifically produced HERE. where ever here was. or is.
oh, and i got a slice of pizza. with an old friend. always nice.
but the dream that i had yesterday was the strangest.
i was chasing the BEASTMASTER [do you guys even remember that show from way back when? haha i used to watch it before i went to work, till they stopped airing it on Showcase]. but the scene changed from chasing him inside a jungle-like atmosphere to a Cineplex theatre. and for some odd reason, the scenario somehow became THAT someone else [that was never really made clear, how wonder] was hunting down US. and there were these hideouts/invisible nooks and crannies that only he and i could decipher. like spaces where they shouldn't have been. and yet we were finding them and jumping into them headfirst.
for some reason, i zipped on out of 1 of these places to "explore" and ended going into a public restroom. then before i knew it, i had woken up. *go figures*
there was also some sort of prologue of sorts before that dream sequene though. or maybe a different story altogether. but it involved staying in this townhouse. and i didn't want to let certain people in [a la "King of the Castle"]. but i think someone did let a person of this particular kind inside, and i flipped out and beat them unconscious.... kinda paralleling some Black Swan tips. i don't remember if i hid the body or whatnot.
actually, i'd prefer it if we only spoke of the 2nd half of the dream.
which i told you first.
i went to bed at 6 pm and didn't wake up until 12 pm the NEXT day. inbetween that span of just sleeping, i had the longest dream of life. i don't totally remember all of it. just that the guy and girl [perhaps they were a couple] in my dream was assuring me that my dream was especially, and specifically produced HERE. where ever here was. or is.
oh, and i got a slice of pizza. with an old friend. always nice.
but the dream that i had yesterday was the strangest.
i was chasing the BEASTMASTER [do you guys even remember that show from way back when? haha i used to watch it before i went to work, till they stopped airing it on Showcase]. but the scene changed from chasing him inside a jungle-like atmosphere to a Cineplex theatre. and for some odd reason, the scenario somehow became THAT someone else [that was never really made clear, how wonder] was hunting down US. and there were these hideouts/invisible nooks and crannies that only he and i could decipher. like spaces where they shouldn't have been. and yet we were finding them and jumping into them headfirst.
for some reason, i zipped on out of 1 of these places to "explore" and ended going into a public restroom. then before i knew it, i had woken up. *go figures*
there was also some sort of prologue of sorts before that dream sequene though. or maybe a different story altogether. but it involved staying in this townhouse. and i didn't want to let certain people in [a la "King of the Castle"]. but i think someone did let a person of this particular kind inside, and i flipped out and beat them unconscious.... kinda paralleling some Black Swan tips. i don't remember if i hid the body or whatnot.
actually, i'd prefer it if we only spoke of the 2nd half of the dream.
which i told you first.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
CAME TO WIN. OBVIE.
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