HUSH LITTLE BABY, DON'T YOU CRY. SUCK IT UP & BARE THE WORLD.

it's apparently past 5AM & about six or seven more hours since i've gotten off the phone with my best friend, Mer. we're talking about random topics and as soon we click to go our separate ways, i go onto tumblr. upon my dash is a shiet load of posts about "i don't know myself" "who am i?" "i need to find myself". aaaaaaaaaaand it's now my turn to ponder. i'm obviously not sleeping so why not try to decipher and dissect a piece of my cranium pie. to be honest, i don't thik i've changed since i was little. i feel i have gotten a bit mature and that i am more aware of my moral compass, whereas when i was younger i could really not give a fuck. really. BUT at the same time, i know that haven't really ventured off into a different person.... does that mean that i know myself really and truly? hmm... good question to self.


............ somehow it's like the only thing that i can really tear into is not who I AM, but what I AM NOT. like i need to work on a lot of things. i can be selfish, i am not considerate at times or programmed to be aware of others until they pop back into my life, i need to BE proACTIVE, focus on my future and not living in the present, priortize what i need to be doing and where i need to be going. but most important: STOP PROCRATINATING, LIKE F#%K MAN. those are the things about myself [all that deep & inside gushy stuff] that i don't like, simply i am not those things yet i NEED to be them. at least thing, knowing that i can acquire these traits, i will be happy. or i think that will content with myself. however, life has NO guarantees but if i strive become this "IDEAL" person, i will be better for it.


on the other hand tho, i 've noticed that certain people or friends have changed. and that i'm starting to drift from them. it's not like i don't care for these people, but i've started to not care for these people like i used too. whatever space or void that i took up in their lives and vice versa, we obviously didn't really need each other like we thought we did. and to meeeeeeeeeeee, i think it's dumb to hold onto things OR be attached to shiet that doesn't even really matter anymore. i'm not saying that they per se don't matter to me, but the way cards are being dealt..... we're not really in the SAME hand type of deal. but i am that personality who naturally does NOT put in effort, but that shiet is times 2 when the other side has not been putting effort period. i don't know anymore because i really don't. i'm not one to cry over trivial matters, but losing good friends is a bittersweet affair. especially when you realized that you're no longer included point blank. so tired of everything.

the whole issue, as i've come to realize, is not WHO AM I? but in fact WHO DO I WANT TO BE? and as d.u.m.b as it sounds, i want to be ME. whoever that person is. i can type up in this betch and simutaneously run around my brain racetrack while trying to find answers to rhetorics, BUT i'll still be unable to spew out anything enlightening. i don't want to be a kid, but i do. i don't want to be high class, but i do. i don't want to be tough, but i do. or more like i need to. it's a learning curve i guess and one that i'll probably figure out soon.

just feel sorry for the boy i'll call mine. i don't think he'll be mentally prepare for all of this.
i mean, i can't even handle me. most of the time.